Thursday, December 13, 2012

Random list of things I love.

Corner Bakery
New Girl (Seriously so funny)
Kettle Corn
Dried Mango
Sesame Honey Cashews
Christmas lights

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Stop, look, listen to your heart.

(Anyone know that song?  I love it)

In case you didn't know I am a Human Resource Manager for an Engineering Company.
Yes my life is that romantic and glamorous.
Actually I like my job and the company I work for.

One of the many things I do is deal with health insurance which I do not like at all as I'm sure you all will understand.  There is a term called a "Qualifying Life Event" (QLE) which means if a birth, adoption, death, divorce, or marriage happens anytime to you during the year you can change your health insurance plan without having to wait for the open enrollment period.  Open enrollment typically only happens one time per year so to trump open enrollment it has to be a serious life event.

That QLE list looks very familiar to me and when one happens you literally have to:
Stop what you are doing.
Look around you and assess the damage or changes.
Listen to your heart and tune out what the world thinks is best for you.

And then proceed, probably with caution, and repeat those steps when needed. (lather, rinse, repeat)

This year has been one crazy year.  It has had extreme highs and extreme lows.
The path that I started out on at the beginning of the year is not the same path I am on now.  What I have tried to do is take each day one at a time and be aware that the next day could be completely different.  What each of my QLEs has done for me is shine a new, bright light on my life and helped me to assess and see what is important and what is not and what I want in my future.

What seemed like the right thing at the beginning of 2012 is not the right thing for me anymore and I am OK with that because I have learned a lot and I feel I have become a better person which I think is the most important thing.  Instead of fighting it and being stubborn and trying to prove something I am embracing what I feel to be right no matter the judgement, eye rolling, giggling, and ridicule that comes my way.  I am on my life path and no one else's.  I have prayed for guidance and why pray for it if you aren't going to listen to it.  Instead of ignoring the signs in my life and am looking a head with my eyes and heart wide open.  It is scary but worth it.

I am not going to say it's not hard.  It is hard to live a life where so many people know all your dirt and get to judge and comment and make their own assessments.  If I dwell on it too long it will crush me so I choose to not worry about things I can't control.

What I can control is how I act.  I have learned a great deal about allowing other people their journey through their own life.  I believe we are living to learn and grow and become better people.  Judging or shaming people through their process stunts them.

Wow, this is a much wordier post then I planned.

My point is:  When those in your life have a "Qualifying Life Event" cut them some slack and know that their world is changing and what was important may not be important anymore so no judging just loving.

The end.


Thursday, December 6, 2012

Tag out.

I have had a couple bad mom days.
Just screaming and running around and the never ending messy house.
My patience has left me.  I hate when patience leaves because when it does it tags in comparison and I really hate fighting comparison.
I start viewing everyone's life as glamorous hay days of fun time adventures with perfect hair, clothes, makeup and of course the cutest shabby chic-ly decorated home that is all pinterested and liked a million times while my life is on this never ending cycle of running around to work, school, babysitters and grocery stores while wearing flats since that is what sane mothers with small kids can really only wear but apparently is just not stylish enough.

And why is it that when you are a mom it feels like you are at the grocery store 90% of your life????  Is it just me?

What women really need is not the third arm but the ability to function with no sleep.  When a woman becomes a mother she should never have to sleep again.  Seriously, if women didn't have to sleep all the problems of the world would be solved.  The possibilities are endless with what I could do with those 12 hours that my children sleep.  Just dreaming about it makes me shake my fist at heaven and wonder why it isn't so.

Did I mention I love these kids so much that when I think about losing my patience with them makes my heartbreak?
Being a mom is freakin' hard.

And of course totally worth it.
Alas, I should get some sleep so I can get patience tagged back in.

Good morning.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I must post just to get rid of that horrible picture!

My life has been crazy lately.
Since Merrill (Sr.)  died it felt like our world stopped for a couple weeks but then to catch up it has been going twice as fast.  It doesn't seem to be slowing down though and I am feeling overwhelmed and frustrated.  I have so much I am doing, have committed to do, want to do, etc.  I must now admit that I must take a step back and prioritize my life and let some things go to make room for the more important things and the things I love doing, i.e. spending time with my family.

Being a working mom is hard enough but when I over extend myself and things cut into my nights, which is my family time, I find myself getting angry and feeling guilty.  But on the other side I get frustrated that if I committed to something I want to finish it and see it successful.  I feel judged by others which I know is just my insecurities but it is so hard to not feel it.  And even if I am judged it shouldn't matter to me or sway my decisions.

So, I am taking a step back, evaluating my life, making changes and seeking balance and happiness.  I will not be distracted by money and shiny things.  I will make my decisions based on my priorities which are:

1:  God & Family (to me these just go together, after all God is family, right?)
2:  Friends
3:  Health
4:  Job/Income
5:  Self Improvement
6:  Blogging/Instagram/Photography
7:  Projects, i.e. fun craftiness
8:  Movies/Reading
9:  Massages (receiving not giving)
10:  Pedicures

The above list is subject to change and Tammy should not be judged if she chooses to move things around or add or delete items.  Tammy is not suggesting you  agree with her priority list and should not be held liable if the above list in its order/perfection does not work for you.

Any questions and I just need to refer to this list.  Which means you should see more blogging.  Because I do thoroughly enjoy doing it and appreciate the opportunity to have a voice out in the world.

Love to you.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Bad Picture Friday.

Seriously this is so bad.  My face looks crooked!
The whole angle is just so bad too.  I kinda look like a man.
But it's bad picture Friday and I am not afraid....except this picture makes me really afraid!
But I know you all have these kind of pictures on your phone you just aren't sharing them.

I was a pirate for a family Halloween party.
This is the "Argh" face.

 Kit Kat Vampire.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

You are amazing and important.

Someone shared this with me so I thought I would pass it along.  It is only a 1 1/2 min video so I know you have time for it.

This is for all the princess lovers and also for all the people who judge princess lovers or who think that little girls shouldn't love to be princesses.

Princess Video

It's too bad that as we grow the world beats out of us what we actually think of ourselves.  We are born loving ourselves and believing that we are special and important.  Then we get out into the world and people shame us for liking ourselves and help us to believe we are not OK.  When we finally leave high school we spend years trying to get to know ourselves and like ourselves again.  It is one long circle.  Personally it took me until I was 30 to be comfortable in my own skin again.  What's your story?  When did you figure out you were pretty amazing and important and actually believed it?

I have had people tell me that when raising kids you shouldn't tell them how great they are all the time because when they get out into the world they will find out they no more special than the other kids.

What!!!??? Are you serious???

I don't buy that at all.  Don't get me wrong if one of my kids is really bad at something I am not going to tell them they are spectacular and lie to them but I'm also not going to tell them they are bad at it.  If they are bad at something it gives me the opportunity to teach them about hard work and practice and learning to become better at things.  I don't want my kids to just be good at everything they do or think they are the best because then if something is hard they won't try it but they will just skip it and go to something they are good at which doesn't do them any good.  Where am I and how did I get here?

I have no idea, I hope this makes sense.

Everyone is special, everyone is important.
It's OK to love yourself and think you are amazing as long as you are aware that you are not superior to the people around you.

Brene Brown has talked about the idea that you can only love those around you as much as you love yourself.  The more you love yourself the more you can love others.

I agree.

I'm pretty sure I have posted about this before but it's worth saying again.

Love to you.
Love to me.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Happy Halloween!

Here I am as a jellyfish at my office costume parade!
I have no idea what I am doing or why I think jellyfish look like this but there it is.
More to come of my sweet babies trick-or-treating.  It is going to be so fun.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

A month ago.

A month ago yesterday, September 23, was an amazing day.  We blessed our 2 babies that needed blessing, Scarlett & Merrill Dee.  Clint's parents hosted the event in their beautiful back yard.  It was an intimate group and it was a weekend where other events were happening too so all of our family was in town and could be there.  My apologies but these photos are unedited.  I just don't have the time right now.

The weather was gorgeous, overcast and warm.  
Merrill's Auntie Rie made him a special outfit and 
Scarlett got a dress that was all her own and not a hand-me-down.
Our wonderful family and friends came to celebrate our sweet kids.
It was pretty much perfect.

I tried this cupcake tower thing.  It didn't turn out as I envisioned but the cupcakes were delicious.
I must thank my sister, Natalie, who helped me organize and plan this event.
Her tips for planning an event is for another post.

The man on the right is my dad, he blessed Scarlett.
The man on the left is Clint's dad, Merrill Dee, who blessed Merrill Dee.

 My brother is too cool to pose for a picture with his sisters.

And here are Clint's parents.

I was going to post about this day weeks ago but wanted to edit pictures and what not.  And now I post about it because almost exactly 3 weeks after this perfect day Clint's dad, Merrill Dee, passed away.  It was an accident and it was sudden and heartbreaking.  And now you know more about my past two posts.  We are so grateful that we have this day in our memories.  We are so grateful it was so perfect.  Merrill was so proud to have a namesake.  He talked about him to everyone he knew.  He was such a wonderful grandpa and one of the things that makes it so hard is that our kids won't remember him.  Eva woke up Monday morning crying.  When Clint checked on her she said, "I miss Grandpa."  She told me she had a dream about him and that it was a "nice" dream.  She has never told me that she has had nice dreams before she always tells me about her bad dreams but I hope she has more nice ones.  

I have so much more to say about my feelings.  The past week has been hard and I have learned a lot.  Death sure teaches the living so much.  I was honored to be with Clint's family last week and mourn with them and be there for his passing.  Merrill was an amazing man.  I will miss him terribly.  For now I will send out a thank you to the people who helped and comforted me, who sent me flowers and texts and thoughts and love.  Life is precious.  We must treat it so.  Share your love, forgive, ask for forgiveness and be joyful because tomorrow  who knows what could happen.


Thursday, October 18, 2012

Again. Thank you Mary Oliver.

“to live in this world

you must be able
to do three things
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go”
-Mary Oliver

It is hard to live in this world.  It is hard to be mortal.  It is hard to let people go. 

It is worth it though.

And when it is all over we will look back and think "That wasn't very long at all, why did I waste so much time with nonsense?"

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
-Mary Oliver


Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I'm sorry...

...didn't you know the world has stopped?
It has actually stopped turning.
Someone needs to tell the wind and rain
but I am telling you
our world has stopped.
I look outside and it seems to keep moving
but I don't understand why.
The world has stopped I tell you!

All my love,

Wednesday, October 10, 2012


Here is a blog I enjoy reading.  The Mormon Child Bride
It is for people who have familiarity with the Mormon church.  If you don't you won't get it.
She writes about her struggles in the church and has an interesting perspective.  When I say interesting I don't mean I agree with everything she says but that she makes me think and that is always a good thing.

Monday, October 8, 2012

My wild forest.

I went on a trip to New Hampshire to have a refresher course in The Arvigo Techniques of Maya Abdominal Therapy.  "The techniques work to restore the body to its natural balance by correcting the position of organs that have shifted and restrict the flow of blood, lymph, nerve and chi energy." The Arvigo techniques really help with the female reproductive organs and it is what I work with most.  I have been a Massage Therapist since 2003 and I took the Arvigo class almost 10 years ago but when it came time to certify it was a horrible time financially for us so I didn't do it.  Recently I was watching a show on TV about successful people and how they got to where they are and someone said, "If you aren't passionate about what you do you will never be successful."  That really hit me hard and I couldn't stop thinking about it.  I have struggled a lot in the last few years with my chosen position and how to make money.  I realized that success does not have to be measured by how much money you make.  I am choosing to measure my success by the quality of life I have through happiness.

Currently I am not happy with the way I am making money and the where my time is going but I have felt trapped.  I have been thinking about what I am passionate about and envisioning what I would like to do with my time.  Massage, especially the Arvigo techniques, kept coming to me.  Since stepping away from massage as a source of income I have missed it and think about it often.  I have always loved talking about it and sharing my knowledge of the human body and I love a more natural approach to healing.  So I contacted the Arvigo Institute and last week I went out to New Hampshire for a refresher course so that I can work on my certification.  It was a great experience.  It was so hard to be away from my family but it was worth it.

Starting this again and looking back at the last 10 years I envision that I was on a clear path walking through a forest enjoying the beautiful scenery but then something out of my control forced me off of the path and I had to try plow my own path.  Occasionally I would come across smaller, less trodden foot paths that I would take for a while and then realize they weren't taking me any where and I would go back into the wild forest trying to force myself to be happy with the struggle and the pushing of obstacles searching for a better path.  Getting back into the massage world feels like I have found finally come across my clear, beautiful path again.  I have basically done one big giant circle and starting where I left off but that is OK.  I am just so happy to be in the right place.  It feels like coming home after a long journey.  Everything is so familiar and peaceful.  I have learned a lot in the last 10 years, in my "wild forest", and I wouldn't trade it but I am just glad the search and struggle is over and I can move on my clear path.

More to come I just wanted to update you all.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

It's been 3 months. Here is another photo dump.

2 week appointment.

 Umbilical cord fell off.  
He is officially an adult.
Very sad.

 Moved into size 1 diapers.

 First night away from kids we went to the Neil Diamond concert.
It was awesome!

 I love this picture of Scarlett going on a walk.
It is one of my best.

 He has gorgeous skin.

 First pigtails.

Just cute.

 Started running again.

 Got a horrible eye infection again.  It was much worse this time.
I couldn't drive myself to far places for 4 weeks.
I was extremely sensitive to light for 4 weeks.
I am still getting over it.
It was seriously horrible.
I would choose to deliver Merrill again than have this eye infection again since my labor only lasted 12 hours.

 Eva started school.  She has a uniform this year.

 Eva is gorgeous and loves Octonauts.  So do I.

 I wore my sunglasses everywhere for 2 weeks.
Even at home and at night.

 He has squishy cheeks.

 He is gorgeous.

That last 3 months have gone by really fast.  I can't believe my boy is 3 months old.  He is a happy fellow who just wants to make eye contact and chat.  I love it unless it is 2 a.m. then I just want to sleep and not chat.  My eye infection is much better now but I still must wear my glasses which makes running irritating.  

That is the best update I can muster. 


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

My third birth story. Don't worry there are lots of pictures.

I am very happy to be back blogging.  I have missed it and have not journaled anything about my life in the past 3 months which makes me sad but I have the best excuse.  I have been very busty oops meant busy but busty is true too.  

In sticking with the number 3 baby Merrill is now 3 months old so I figure it is a great time to share my 3rd birth story.  I will use pictures to do it purely for your entertainment and to separate out all the words.  If you are an instagram follower you will recognize some of these.  

My third delivery proved to be my quickest and easiest.  Thanks lucky number 3.
Have I mentioned that I am the 3rd child in my family?  Anyways...
My last post about being pregnant was from Thursday the 21st, the day before I delivered.  I was supposed to go have a stress test on Friday but instead I had a baby.  Phew!

On June 20th (Wednesday) I went for my last doctor's visit.  I was 2 days over due.  We discussed that we would make another appointment for Monday and if I had not delivered by then we would talk about inducing.  An old placenta is not a wise placenta, apparently.  I was only dilated to a 1.5 cm and he was being very generous.  My cervix was still really "tight".  I was frustrated.  I went back to work and pre-ordered Brave (the new Pixar movie) tickets for me and Eva to go in the afternoon on Friday.  
I was very sure I would make it to Monday.

Dinner for the girls on the 20th.

Very late Thursday night or maybe even Friday at midnight we had some old friends from out of town visit.  They got me belly laughing hard and it felt so good.  At around 230 or 3 I got my first contraction.  I new it was a real one and it was surprisingly intense for a first contraction.  I looked at the clock and the next one came 10 minutes later.  They started out 10 minutes apart and stayed that way.  They were intense enough that I couldn't sleep through them.  I got up at 330 and took the next few pictures.

Here I am in labor with 330 a.m. labor hair.

Last shot of my pregnant belly.

Last shot of my awesome belly button.
My belly button is really deep so this is a rare sight.  
Also this was the first pregnancy it got to the point of being an "outy".

I plopped down on the couch for the next 10 hours and labored.
I ordered we bought a zoo for a new movie distraction and watched it twice.  
I actually fell asleep a couple times but would wake up with every contraction.
Around 7 everyone else woke up and I ate some breakfast and helped a little with the girls.  I mostly sat and watched them play.  My labor was oddly in my low back, hips and upper thighs and felt like intense charlie horses and walking helped a bit but being up made my contractions closer together.  We decided to take Scarlett to Clint's mom's house and that Clint would take Eva to the movie and I could just labor at home.  I wanted it this way.  I just wanted to be alone. The movie was at 1145 so off they went.  I stayed on the couch mostly and my contractions were about 7-8 minutes apart.  I got up a couple times and walked around the yard but when I did the contractions were 3-4 minutes apart so I decided I better stay down until Clint got home.  I called my doula and she said you can stay laying down and prolong labor a bit or head to the hospital and stay standing and get the baby out faster.  I picked the faster option.  Might as well get it over with.  When Clint got home I told him we should go to the hospital.  On the way I wondered if we should be going and if the hospital would turn me away but then I had a contraction and decided it was a really, really good idea that we were going.

 Here I am during a contraction on the way to the hospital.

Here I am at the hospital in between contractions.
I just stayed standing the whole time and held on to Clint.  It was like we were at a high school dance and lame dancing in a circle except we were not circling just standing.  I had my arms around his torso and he would rub my back.  

We arrived at the hospital at 230 p.m.  My doula arrived 15 minutes later.  
Between contractions that were about 3 minutes apart and getting closer I met the nurses and got my IV in.  Then the nurse checked my cervix and I was at a 7.  Luckily I arrived when I did.  
At around 325 p.m.I started to feel the pressure building and new I would need to push in the next couple contractions. My doula left and called the nurses who let the doctor know.  Everyone was there and ready.  They got the bed ready and my doctor broke my water.  As soon as he did that I started pushing.  With 3 pushes and a ring of fire his head was out!  With one more push and one more ring of fire he was out!  Then came the wonderful happy hormones that make everything rosey and make me feel like I could get up and run a marathon.  Those feelings are so worth not having an epidural.  

Here is me with a look of relief that it is over.
It went so fast and I was so happy and grateful.

Here is another look of pure relief that it is over and maybe some happy emotions mixed in.

Here is my sweet brand new baby boy.
I love the feeling of a brand new babies wet, warm skin.

Just utter, blurry happiness.  

7lbs 12oz

Back in my arms.  
I was so nervous about having a boy but as soon as I laid eyes on him I 
never have had another thought or feeling of nervousness again.

I love this picture of him looking at me with his brand new puffy eyes.

We love him!
He was born on Friday, June 22 at 3:33 p.m.
It was a perfect delivery.  I had a great and supportive nursing staff and doctor.  
I have a great doula who has been there for all 3 of my kids deliveries.
Clint is so great because he is always calm and level headed and supportive.
It was a great day.

Father and son.

Little bundle.

Eva and Scarlett stayed with Clint's parents and they brought them to visit on Saturday.
They loved him and had to sit with me and touch and kiss him.
They are great big sisters.

Scarlett giving baby brother a snuggle.

I have 3 kids!!!!

Here is a shot of my belly one day after delivery.

Headed home getting the car seat check.

Sunday, back on the couch where I labored for most of the day Friday.

Sweet big sister Eva!

Scarlett loves to be around her baby brother.  
She brought in a book so she could sit down and read next to him.

Belly shot 5 days after delivery.

And here I am.  I am a mom of a wonderful baby boy and 2 sweet girls.
I love it. 
It is my favorite.

All these pictures were taken with camera phones and mostly unedited.

My delivery was so great.  It was a great day.  I look back at it fondly.  I am so grateful it went so well.  I love our sweet baby boy.  His name is Merrill Dee.  He is gorgeous and happy.  He has olive skin and brown eyes.  And don't worry I will be posting much more pictures of his gorgeousness.

For now, this is my 3rd birth story as I know it.

Love to you.

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