It got me thinking of what I would write and how I view motherhood right now. I am not a great writer and I try to make sure my writing sounds like my voice so maybe that's why I am not so great but I thought I would write my own essay on what motherhood is for me right now. I'm sure things will change as I grow and learn in this life and as my children grow but for now here is my essay.
Motherhood is a series of goodbyes.
I was watching Downton Abbey last night and over the baby monitor I heard my 3 year old Eva say, “Momma, come snuggle me.” I pushed pause and went to her room and laid next to her in her bed. She shimmied closer to me and played with me hair. I stared at her sweet face and attempted to stop time. It was a moment when I realized that someday very soon my sweet girl would not want to snuggle with me anymore. Someday I am not going to be her sun, moon and stars. Someday very soon I will be replaced by others.
This terrifies me to my bones. What am I going to do when I am not the center of someone’s world?
I often read a poem by Mary Oliver which helps remind me what motherhood is and what I am expected to do.
“to live in this worldyou must be able
to do three things
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones
knowing your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go”
― Mary Oliver
I am trying very hard to be a good mom. I am trying to teach my kids how to steer through this world and be independent people. The thing that comes when you teach your kids how to be independent is independence and it can be like a knife in my heart. Right now I get sad about not being able to help with silly things like getting dressed, zipping up coats, using the bathroom but someday it will be bedtime, reading books, and dare I say it...driving!
That’s why I say motherhood is a series of goodbyes. Kids are constantly changing and growing and you must be able to say goodbye to the sweet 3 year old and welcome the next sweet stage that comes. It is terrifying how happy you can be and how sad you can be. Motherhood is my sun, moon and stars and it will be for the rest of my life. Right now I am holding my kids against my bones trying so hard to remember every second of these wonderful years and prepare for the time to let them go.
I realize how blessed I am to have what I have and I realize how fragile life is and how things can change in an instant. Motherhood can sure be terrifying but still I wouldn't give it up for anything. Motherhood is worth all the worry, guilt, anxiety, fear, and regret. It is the most rewarding thing I have ever experienced. If you ever wonder what the purpose of life is then you should have kids and you will quickly find out. Motherhood has taught me more about life and myself in these short 3 years then I will ever be able to teach my kids.
I am so grateful to be able to be a mother. I look forward to having a new baby and being a mother to a new person. I am so happy.
Happy Mother's Day to everyone!