Monday, May 7, 2012

"It can cut through steel and tomatoes!"


It is a time in my life when I must avoid certain things and since I am a really good procrastinator I find avoidance easy.  I think those two go hand in hand pretty well.

I find that my emotions are so near the surface that with a certain comment, topic, song or movie I will become a mess.  And not just a few tears but the kind of crying where your shoulders shake and you can’t control the sounds that come out of your mouth.

There is a list of movies I will not allow myself to watch.  For example Finding Neverland, I am not going to be able to watch that movie for years!  When everything was fine in my life I would cry uncontrollably at the end of that movie so if I watched it now I would probably cry myself into a 3 day coma.

When it comes to music I know Adele is so hot right now but seriously I can’t listen to any of her songs.  Even if she just sang Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star I would probably break into a million pieces.  Her voice is so full of passion and sadness that when I just hear her in a grocery store I have to force myself not to listen.  I particularly have to avoid listening to her lyrics.  Goodness me, Adele must know heartache!

Last night I made the mistake of watching The Descendants with George Clooney.  I was a mess, mess, mess.  It was a very well written and well acted movie but just one I shouldn’t have seen at this time in my life.  I had a really hard time getting my body out of bed this morning.

What I constantly tell myself is that I can’t expect going through a divorce to be easy because it is really, really, really hard.  There I said the nasty word divorce.  I hate the word.  It sounds like it should be the name of a knife.  “Buy the new divorce!  It can cut through steel and tomatoes!”   I literally take my life one day at a time and one step at a time and try not to have expectations.  I have gotten used to my situation but I don’t think I’ve fully grasped the reality of my situation.  I think my brain is doing a lot of self protecting. 

I am learning and growing a lot.  Many different veils have been lifted from my eyes and I am a wiser person.  All of this is good but I am learning that to gain wisdom you must go through heartache, sadness, grief, guilt, loss, and pain.  If you allow the lesson to be learned the wisdom comes and you can more fully recognize and accept joy, happiness, grace and peace when they come to you and they are so much sweeter when they do!  During hard times it is difficult to remember that things will get better but that’s part of wisdom I guess. 

Anyways, where am I?  OK, I am avoiding, I am growing, I am learning, I am living. 

Today was a glasses day which usually means I look hammered and I am using my glasses as a distraction.


On a more happy note Eva starts swim lessons today.  I am excited to go and watch her.

POST EDIT:  After reading this I had a hard time understanding myself so I am sorry if it is jumbled and random and inconceivable (I can watch Princess Bride!).  It was also a hard post to name hence the name.

1 comment:

sweetheber said...

Tammy, You are remarkable, amazing, courageous & strong. I love you.

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